January 18th 2003

11 years ago today I stepped out onto the stage for the first time in Albuquerque, NM at the KiMo in front of 650 people in a sold out theater. I was given a 7 minute set. When I hit my first big joke, I heard the most deafening laughter I had ever heard, and I was hooked. I felt like I could fly. This incredible journey began that night, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Thank you to each and every one of you who has purchased a ticket to a show, laughed at a joke, “liked” a status update. Thank you for the personal messages after a show thanking me for making your day better, supporting me in my craft along the way. For the friends and fans who go to show after show and laugh like they’ve never heard the jokes. Without you all there would be no audience, and without the audience, my work would be void of laughter. Thank you all so much, and thank you Shelley Freedman for taking a shot on the new girl. It will never be forgotten.

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Come Out Laughing Tour! Pitts, Columbus, Portland and Seattle

I can’t wait to hit the road with Ian Harvie and Jason Dudey!! We will be performing in Pittsburgh, Columbus, Portland and Seattle in the coming weeks. All dates and ticket information are on the tour page of the site! We’ll see you on the road!!
Pittsburgh – January 24th
Columbus – January 25th
Portland – January 30th – two shows 7:30 & 9:30
Seattle – January 31st and Feb 1st

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An Open Letter To 2013

I’m really sorry to do this over the internet, but since this is where most of our relationship took place, I thought it would be appropriate. I don’t know how to say this gently, so I’m just going to say it: I’m breaking up with you. I’m not going to try and soften it by saying “It’s not you, it’s me.” It really IS you. I’m not going to try and take the high road with shit like the Four Agreements…don’t take anything personally blah blah blah. You were kind of an asshole for the last 6 months of our relationship. And I’ll be honest, I really don’t like the way you treated some of my friends.

I don’t want this to get ugly so I would appreciate if you would just respect what I’m asking. I’m going to go ahead and keep Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. They are going to host the Golden Globes again next year, and let’s just be honest, I knew them way before you ever came into the picture. I can’t believe you said you didn’t “get” their sense of humor. Who doesn’t GET their sense of humor?? I should have known then this wasn’t going to work out. I’m also going to keep Edie Windsor, all of the plaintiffs from the Prop 8 case, and Jennifer Lawrence. You can have Phil Robertson, Sarah Palin and Pat Robertson. They are more “your” kinda people. OH, I know this is going to surprise you, but I’m also going to keep the Pope. He seems pretty open minded, and I know how much you’re threatened by that.

I’m going to go ahead and hang on to the Broncos, you can have the Texans. Actually, since we’re on the subject, I’ll take Wendy Davis, the city of Austin, Houston, and Dallas. You can have Rick Perry and the rest of Texas. Good luck with that. You can keep George Zimmerman as well, lord knows you’re going to have to deal with him again at some point. I’m going to make this as clear as I can, I also don’t want Putin anywhere near me and my next relationship. I can’t believe you even have him in your life. Why didn’t I pay attention to the signs?!!

I would like to thank you for supporting me in my career this year, I don’t want to take that away from you. I appreciate how protective you were over my family for the most part, but they actually finally shared with me how they really feel about you. Let’s just say they aren’t going to be sad to see you go.

I don’t want to be unreasonable, so I’m giving you about a week to get your things and get out. Please don’t make this ugly, it doesn’t need to be. I wish you nothing but the best, but please don’t call or write, and definitely stop “poking me” on Facebook. That was so 2012. I would be lying if I said I was going to keep in touch with you, or that I wanted to be friends. I’m not. I don’t. I really want to move forward and keeping you in my life would be allowing myself to be stuck in the past. No thank you. I’ll be gone for a few days right before New Year’s. It should give you plenty of time to get your things together. I’ll expect you to be gone when I get home. Take care of yourself.

And P.S. Twerking?? What the hell were you thinking?! Even Will Smith’s family had to look away.

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