I think we’ve both seen this coming for a while, so please don’t act like this is out of left field. I think it’s time we ended things. I mean, I could go through that whole, “It’s not you, it’s me”, but let’s just be honest…we both know it’s you. Don’t get me wrong, we had some really amazing times, but that’s not enough to make a relationship work. If I’m completely honest, I really don’t care for some of the things you’ve done or the company you have chosen to keep this year. I took it upon myself to separate our stuff.
You can keep Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and that ridiculous clown car of republican candidates. They all seem to hate women, gays and black people… including that one woman who ran HP into the ground. Even SHE hates women, she’s basically dead inside. Who needs to be around that kind of energy? I’ll keep Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton at least for the time being. I know Saturday Night Live called Bernie a human Birkenstock, but he reminds me of a distant relative, and family needs to stick together. I’m sure I’ll have to get rid of one of them at some point. You can keep Ann Coulter. I don’t even want anything in return. I want to throat punch her every time she speaks, and that’s not the kind of person I am. I want to feel calmer in my life. You can keep every crooked cop who killed an innocent person and got away with it because our justice system is completely screwed up. I’m going to keep those police officers who pulled people over and gave them 100$ bills and gifts during the holidays. You can go ahead and keep Bill Cosby, I don’t want him anywhere near my friends. We like to drink, and I just don’t trust the son-of-a-bitch as far as I can throw him. I’m pretty sure he’s about to get arrested anyway so he’ll be out of your hands in no time. I’m going to go ahead and keep Bette Midler. You can have “Pharma bro”, that douche bag who raised the price of the drug for HIV and Cancer patients. Oh wait! He also has a federal indictment against him. SEE! Your friends are sketchy as fuck. I’m going to keep all of those American families who adopted the “unadoptable” children with Down Syndrome from China. Do you see why this isn’t working out?! We just have different core values. I’m going to keep the full Federal Marriage Equality ruling from June. You can have every single bogus Freedom Of Religion Bill and every one of those creepy Duggars. I think their family tree only has one branch. You can keep the hoverboard and all of the hipsters who feel the need to ride them while they shop at Trader Joe’s. I want to throw a lime down in their path. Walk through the store like a normal human being, you’re not Marty McFly. I’ll take Orange Is The New Black, Transparent, Making a Murderer, and Orphan Black. You can go ahead and keep The Slap, Get Hard, and Ted 2. I would rather stab myself in the eye repeatedly with a fork. You get Ronda Rousey, I’ll take Holly Holm. I’m going to keep the entire US Women’s National Soccer Team, even Hope Solo. I know she’s crazy as hell, but I feel like she might be rehabilitated. You can keep Tom Brady and his flat balls.
I could go on and on, but I think it’s pretty obvious why this isn’t working out. I’m giving you about 24 hours to get your things and get out. 2015, I would like you gone by the time I wake up tomorrow morning…
And P.S. You can keep that twat Kim Davis from Kentucky. I’m sure she’ll be looking for her 5th marriage eventually. I hope she gives you crabs.